Brother Ricky

I think people who are not big sports fans get caught up in that "athletes as role-models" thing a bit more than hard-core fans do. Real fans are more willing to accept the flaws and peccadillos of their athletic heroes, as long as said hero continues to perform at a high level in their chosen arena.

And then there's the unique story of Ricky Williams. For those of you who don't follow the Sordid Side of Sports, here are the highlights: Ricky Williams is a very talented running back who played for the NFL Miami Dolphins. At the height of what had the potential to be a Hall of Fame career, and just days before the start of the 2004 training camp, brother Ricky informed the Miami team management that he no longer wanted to play football. He explained that he had lost the "passion to play" (his words, not mine) and said he wanted to travel, to explore exotic locales and revel in the adventure that is life (my words, not his).

Surprisingly, quite a few sportswriters felt this high-minded independence was refreshing and laudable. "Yay, Ricky," many exclaimed, "eschewing the lure of big bucks and the brutality of football for the aesthetic refinements of life, what a role-model." (Of course, that's not a direct quote, but you get the idea.)

As chagrined as the Miami Dolphins were, all was swell in Ricky-land. That is, until it was revealed that brother Ricky had failed a number of NFL mandated drug tests and would have been subject to a lengthy suspension had he not retired.

Having been unceremoniously outted, brother Ricky decided to shed the legalistic impediments of society like so many defensive backs and admit to an unabashed love for good marijuana.

Taking a page from the Bush Administration's war strategy, brother Ricky headed off the temporarily (and uncharacteristically) speechless sportswriters with a preemptive statement which suggested strongly that he should look for a new dealer:

"I didn't quit football because I failed a drug test," he said. "I failed a drug test because I was ready to quit football."

Of course, a great story like this can't end right there. Here's where it actually gets kooky. First the Miami Dolphins informed brother Ricky that he owed the team in the neighborhood of $8 million for signing bonuses and unachieved incentives. Brother Ricky replied that he didn't have the money (no points for guessing where it all went). Then, after some time to ponder his fate, which was not quite as idyllic without enough funds to purchase the highest quality cannibis, brother Ricky hit on a great idea. He contacted the Dolphins management and told them he'd un-retire and joyfully return to the team- but only if they gave him a raise.

Fortunately (or not, depending on your position) common sense prevailed and brother Ricky's great idea was pushed out-of-bounds.

So let's recap: Man quits a multi-million dollar job because it restricts his freedom to get high; man eventually realizes that not having a steady paycheck restricts that freedom even more; man goes to boss and offers to return, but only if the boss gives him a raise; man can't understand why the boss slams the door in his face.

And get this; brother Ricky actually has a foundation, rickywilliamsfoundation.org, for helping underprivileged children.

What a role-model.